faster, faster

I didn’t talk to anyone at work today.
I counted the number of telephone rings on each call until people gave in and hung up. If they left a message I would either email them back a few hours later or just ignore it. I only dropped things into the boss’ office when I knew he was on the phone so he couldn’t stop me to ask anything. It always makes me grit my teeth when he takes too long to finish a sentence and inside I’m saying ‘c’mon, c’mon’ and it sounds bizarre because I even hear myself think it through clenched jaws. I did make a cup of tea and a few colleagues said hello, but luckily they were quite busy, so it was o.k. for me to just smile and tilt my head in acknowledgement. These silences suit me just fine. It’s the ones when I’m out of the office that I’m trying to manage better. I want to want them more.
When I was a child I went riding on a horse. The first time it galloped, I panicked. I felt so out of control and I was so little and my arms weren’t very strong and it just sort of took off with me you know. I started to get a little scared. But then after a while, I tricked myself pretty good. I made myself believe that I actually wanted it to go faster and that this rattling around was really nothing. The funny thing is, I began to lean forward, into the wind and I started to enjoy the rhythm and the cutting of the air and how my skin felt in it. My heart rate slowed down and all of a sudden I really did want it to go faster. All of me did.
That is what I’m trying to do now. See, if I convince myself that I actually want to be alone and free, my heart rate might slow down again and it won’t be such a struggle anymore and I’ll be happy and I won’t even think about you anymore and when you see me in a café or on the street, you’ll wonder at my confidence and independence and that grace I’ll be exuding will drive you insane. You’ll want to be close to me so badly, but I won’t answer your calls.
I’ll just be counting the number of rings before you give in and hang up.